Ok...so life is beginning to calm down just a little. The convention Penguicon.org is over - the chaos dispenser finished and gone. Two out of four b'days are done, and the gift for the third is complete and wrapped - since the fourth b'day is mine I actually don't have to do anything for that one. After my b'day Micki goes out of town for another two weeks and it'll be back to the hum drum.

On the one hand, it'll be nice to have breathing room between activities again, on the other I won't have any good reasons to procrastinate! I have movies to catch up on, rearranging of furniture again, and back to the drawing board on what direction to take with my life. It's so easy and falsely comforting to just lay back into a haze of uncaring apathy. To just get up and go sleepwalking through any given day requires no effort and little pain. I know it means you miss out on a lot. That's the whole reason I'm trying not to give in to it.

It's like there're two of me. There's the me that I can see getting up in mornings and doing yardwork, writing, feeling happy and sunshiney - all the good stuff. And then there's the me that actually wakes up - and just doesn't even want to get out of bed. Yeah I know...one is the me I should embrace and the other is the me going through yet another episode of depression. Big surprise there. Hopefully the weather will turn warm and dry again, and I'll be better able to pull myself up by the bootstraps and carry on. It's exhausting pretending you're just fine when you know perfectly well that you're not. Not much to do about it....no insurance so doc's or meds are out of the question - don't trust either of them anyway. So it's figure it out and keep on plugging away until shere stubborness trumps it!

But I'm gonna stop writing this now before it focuses too much on the downers and I can't fake it anymore.

 

Ok....so yes I know it's been a few days and I haven't blogged....bad me. At least I came back to it, it was oh so tempting to walk away and not do this again. I have an almost irrational fear of committing thoughts to paper in any coherent form. I've had it come back to haunt me too many times, but here goes. Mayhap this dragon will be slain yet.

Not much has been going on apart from the usual. I've been applying for more jobs - still hearing nothing. Working on the Chaos dispenser....the gorilla glue takes too long to set and I don't have clamps so I've been creative about it...so far it's holding up fairly well. I have to get it finished this week whether I like it or not. Have to draw a line in the sand somewhere to make myself do it when I have no interest in it.

I should get back to studying the tarot...I've neglected it for far too long, which means the next time I pick up the cards I'm going to get repeatedly thumped on the head in any reading I try for a while.

Haven't been feeling too well the past few days. We had such nice warm sunny weather and now back to cold sleet/snow mix that just has my arthritis screaming. I can deal with either extreme....as long as it's steady. The up and down are just too much to handle at times.

Well that's about all I can think of for now...until next time...

 

Today I have continued the year long hunt of the white whale of employment. I guess the universe, diety, whatever you choose to call it has decided I needed a long vacation...I haven't had a job in a year! I've applied...even got one or two interviews...but nada. Nada, nada, lemonada. I've tried applying within my career field...no luck....tried applying at dollar stores, mc donald's etc...they won't even call me back...overqualified! Bah!

Today though, I've tried something different...it's an admin position, so within my career field, but at a funeral home. Definately something I haven't done before! So who knows maybe there'll be a chance this time....although I got a bit frustrated when my resumes all disappeared and I had to hunt for change to print one off at the library.

I figure if I can't decide what I want to do, then maybe I can do something a little different (part time) while I try to figure it all out.

But I should get off of here...I have a Chaos dispenser to create and it is of course being chaotic!! I'm hoping superglue might be the answer...if not I'll have to resort to the dreaded stereotype of duct tape...tsk tsk.

 

I'll be the first to admit...when it comes to blogging I'm really not very good at it. I'm going to try to give this a whirl however, and see if I can't change at least that small part of me in hopes of bigger and better changes snowballing out of it.

I've been thinking a lot lately about dreams. Not the waking up in the middle of the night type of dreams, but the what do I want out of life kind of dreams. This is a challenging question for me, because I really don't know. It's the first time in my life that what I want matters. What I wanted to do with my life was never important because my life was always dictated by others. Having the freedom to decide is wonderful - and frightening. What do you want to do is a daunting question if you've never been asked before. I'm hoping that this endeavor into blogging might help me to figure it out.

If I could do/be anything I'd like to:

Be a racecar driver
Go scuba diving
Live in the forest
Write
Dance
Play/compose music
Be in the Cirque De Soleil
Live a spiritual life
Know my dreams so I can pursue them
Travel the world
Shed my fears

Some of these I can/hope to accomplish in this life....others...well maybe in another life.

 

Ok...to get this part out of the way....I and my partner make an interracial lesbian pagan couple.  My path is very personal combining elements of druidism, hoodoo, greco-roman, and native american.  My partner's path is mostly asatru, with sprinkles of druid and native american.

Now if you're still reading (you'd be surprised how many people that first sentence will weed out) then you're probably the open minded type of person I'd like to know.

If someone is my friend you can be assured they're a very unique individual. The mundane and "normal" bores me...although I can blend into it when I have to.

Anything else you want to know...well you'll just have to ask. But one bit of warning. Be sure you want to know the answer before you ask the question...because I will answer.